Phew, what a post. This really hit me hard. Thank you 🙏
Just a few days ago I went through another opportunity to heal and I just buckled down and I failed. It’s always the same story ,me against my many different forms of addiction. Codependency with people, things etc… I want it my way and the authority issue. It’s plays out differently but it’s the same thing.
I just put away The Course because I was in exactly the same place you mentioned in your essay. I have been sampling the spiritual buffet for too long and not really allowing healing. While the spiritual ego was stroking itself with beautiful words and then flipping the coin over delving in to pain deep enough to enjoying its darkness and calling it healing. I just had enough!
I have willingly accepted I’m not the one in charge and I truly don’t know what’s good for me or even how to make anything happen.
Thank you for making me admit this in writing Sean, may God heal the mind that’s gone rogue and finally accept the forgiveness that’s being offered.
You're welcome, Bernadette. Thank you for sharing and being here.
I understand "failing." And I respect and appreciate the tendency to not gussy it up but just look at it head on. So far as I can tell, facing our guilt and fear - in and through its many symbols in our lives - is the only way to truly reach a sustainable state of peace and happiness.
There is a lot of power in surrender. We forget this because we're conditioned to survive, fight, negotiate, problem-solve, and plan.
And none of that comes close to the simple power of acceptance, especially when we can do so in the company of folks who love us and have our backs. Community is important; bearing witness is important; consenting to be a learner and a beginner is important.
So much grace enters my life when I can say - and really mean - "I am not in charge."
Again, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It means a lot to me.
~ Sean
P.S. I love the phrase "a mind that's gone rogue!" I may borrow it one of these days :)
Thank you, Sean for sharing your thoughts. I’ve been enjoying reading your postings. I got off Facebook because I found it unbearable and over stimulating and knowing my addiction to information and pain. I found l myself helpless so I just decided to walk away minimizing my life with all the stimulants. Knowing I have many form of addictions, replacing one for another is It’s just one of the layers.
I’m allowing everything to come up right now and slowly stepping back from having anything to do with it healing it.
Willingness which you mentioned in your post is what truly allows me just be present and allow it be as is ,humbling me to my helplessness
That's always been a good space for me as well - stepping back and not forcing myself to DO anything with what comes up. Our helplessness is frustrating but ACIM is clear it is a form of defenselessness and defenselessness is essential to the end of fear. So we are doing something right!
Thanks again for reading and sharing, Bernadett. Blessings & Joy right back to you.
This is such a thought provoking post! I appreciate your description of what addiction feels like to you. For me, it is one word…”more.” It sometimes comes as a scream, but more often than not, it is an almost imperceptible whisper and I unconsciously follow it…always believing, of course, it will give me what I want, what I long for, but being far from it in the end…even though we have what we want to begin with!
I find myself asking, if special relationships is the ego’s chief device, what is addiction?
I’m also asking, if the feeling we reach for in our addictive actions, behaviors and habits is ecstasy, and is holiness true ecstacy? I want to pair those words, and I don’t! In doing so, I comfort myself with the stories of the mystics, Teresa of Avila, Julian…where it all was just the pure love of God blazing through hearts and minds.
I think also of Mary Oliver who says, “Joy is not crumbs.” And this is what I have found to be any addiction or addictive like behavior or desire in my life…crumbs. I wonder, is holiness the whole enchilada?
The simple words that come to me are: Everything is perfect. Otherwise is a mirage. Everything is whole. Otherwise is crumbs. Everything is holiness. Otherwise is hollow.
Everything is remembrance. Otherwise is forgetting.
If only I can remember. Thank you for helping me remember.
"More" - yes, that simplifies it even further. That resonates.
I think addiction fuels specialness - we want to "save" the one who is addicted, we enable the addiction, we justify the addiction with personal narrative - e.g., you'd drink too if you'd been through what I've been through.
It just seems to reinforce the underlying principle of separation - Me, my and mine.
That's a really interesting question about ecstasy and holiness. I mean, what is the function of ecstasy? Does it have a function apart from its effects? You can use LSD, MDMA, fasting, sex, celibacy and have peak experiences but are they reliable?
I am thinking out loud here, not arguing . . .
My peak experiences are lovely - I crave them, I honor them, I am grateful for them - but their transformative potential feels tricky to me. I think I can count on one hand the number of "peak experiences / ecstatic experiences" I've had that led to sustainable meaningful change.
The rest were like riding a roller coaster - fun in the moment, exhiliarating and awesome - but . . . temporary. And kind of shallow - like the whole body is buzzing and singing hosannas - but the soul or spirit is untouched.
Man I dropped down fast into mind / body dualism there :)
Mary Oliver is very helpful here - thank you for evoking her. "Joy is not crumbs." And Emily Dickinson said to Judge Lord, who wanted to marry her - and they were truly in love - "you ask for crumbs and doom the loaf."
Mary Oliver's solitude and her focus seem essential here. She was not fucking around. She was devoted to the craft of writing and the simple aloneness that nurtured her capacity to be attentive and disciplined with the art.
I have felt that her "ecstasy" was pitched lower but sustainably so - it had a quiet certainty to it, a sureness. It was about non-performative presence to what was given.
But it's important for me to remember that she chose - she embraced - a way of being and held to it for a lifetime.
(I am open to other readings of her work, of course.)
So Oliver seems to suggest - I'm still just thinking out loud - that holiness is more about the commitment we make, and the unified-mindedness that arises (as an effect fo the commitment? as its cause?) and helpfully informs the life.
You wrote:
"The simple words that come to me are: Everything is perfect. Otherwise is a mirage. Everything is whole. Otherwise is crumbs. Everything is holiness. Otherwise is hollow.
Everything is remembrance. Otherwise is forgetting."
Lovely. I appreciate when you share your thoughts on topics like this. It’s reaches those it needs to. It’s refreshing and needs to be opened up to the light.
I’m nearing the end of my first pass of the text in the course. It’s taken me almost 1.5 years to finish it. I took my time with it. Savoring it. It’s brought up thoughts and feelings- hidden secrets- that I’ve stuffed down so deep that when brought up to the light, I jump in shock. Feels like a purging of the soul. Shedding of old skin. Difficult but necessary and liberatingly beautiful.
I believe we all suffer with some form of addiction whether we recognize or not.
When the “holy ego” in me try’s to distract me with “whys” (which it loves to do) and try’s to convince me it’s happening to me, I remind my self that it’s all my own doing, my choice to believe in separation- as the course tells us- the one mistake that takes on many forms.
Practicing this prevents me from wallowing in self induced despair and opens me up to make the choice again. The choice for love. It’s not easy and it takes attention to thought, lots of it. But with time, I improve.
The course for me is the way, my path. I’m am too, eternally grateful it found me. Happy New Year, Sean.
Happy New Year to you as well, Kate. Thank you for being here and sharing.
I really appreciate that you took 1.5 years to read the text - that is a real measure of devotion and discipline. I read it many many times in the beginning, and while I'm grateful for the intensity, it was also kind of shallow. It took me a long time to slow down and really give attention.
Your practice of refusing ego's lies by remembering that you are doing this to yourself and thus can "choose again" is an authentic application of ACIM. There's nothing extra to it. Thank you for sharing that. It reminds me of the healing power of the course. There is always another way and we can always walk it together.
Oh, my, Sean, there is so much to say about your post but words would not be an adequate way to express my appreciation for your brutal honesty about the heart of the matter: I do feel guilty and how can I not be a disappointment to Jesus? How can it be that my “little willingness” is “enough”? Yet, as you have written, it is the Holy Spirit’s function to “remove all fear and hatred, and to be forgiven”. Yes, “we are teaching each other how to be holy by having nothing else in our lives but holiness”. And, so, “This holy instant would I give to You. Be You in charge. For I would follow You, certain that Your direction gives me peace”. (W. 361-365). With love.
Thanks for being here and sharing, Joanne. I'm glad it resonated - we are in this together, learning how to follow the Holy Spirit. It's not easy to let go of the personal but there's a lot of peace when we do. Thank you for helping me remember 🙏🙏
I just started ACIM back in October. It has already had a profound impact, mainly by helping me work through religious trauma and some old grievances I was carrying. I can see that understanding the concepts of this course is one thing, and applying them in real life is something else. That requires surrendering and trusting. Today's lesson for me is #79: "Let me recognize the problem so it can be solved." Prior to this, I would not have identified separation as the root of all problems, but it's so clear now. I've spent most of my life believing that "everything will be fine" once I get to this place or achieve this goal or check this box, etc. All of that is ego, of course. My therapist said that I'm like Tantalus in the Greek myth—putting myself in situations where satisfaction is always just out of reach. I certainly resonate with the "wanting it otherwise" part of your post, since where I am always feels lacking in some way. But I'm tired, honestly, and I have no idea what is best for me now. God can drive.
Lesson 79 and 80 are far and away my favorite lessons. My life changed when I read them; I realized that the God I'd been praying too was not God but a cruel and judgmental idol and it totally blew me away. It knocked to me my knees literally. I was walking in the forest with the dogs at 4 a.m. and I just dropped into the snow. How could this be? I'm a smart guy, I've studied a ton, I do zazen, I pray the rosary, yadda yadda yadda.
So I began then a journey to a new understanding of God, with a lot more humility than I'd had before those two lessons.
Anyway, I understand that not everybody has the same experience but that was mine. What a joy to do those lessons for the first time!
A therapist who references Greek mythology is a therapist worth keeping, in my book. I have my problems with the Greeks, but their mythology has an incredible psychological structure. There's lots of healing there.
I hear you on fatigue. FOr me it's related to surrender. Surrender isn't really a logical decision so much as a throwing up of my hands. I can't do this anymore. I give up. But surrender on spiritual terms has to include trust, as you point out, and I appreciate that clarity very much. If we surrender without trust, then it's just a nihilistic fall. But if we surrender IN trust, WITH trust, then something interesting can happen.
But getting out of the way has never been my strong suit. God can drive, yes, but I'm going to ask a lot of questions and offer some suggestions re: routes and possible stops and so forth.
I'm still learning :)
Thank you again for sharing. It helps. We are in this together.
He’s a Jungian (the therapist), and he has helped me through EMDR, dream analysis, and good ol’ cognitive approaches. But my oldest, deepest wound was spiritual, and even he agreed that a spiritual wound needs a spiritual balm. So yes, it’s a daily adventure, this surrendering and trusting, particularly with the preponderance of humanism, individualism, etc. in our culture. I had to laugh when you said that you are going to “ask a lot of questions and offer some suggestions re: routes and possible stops and so forth.” That is so me! My analytical Virgo INTJ brain tries to work it all out. :)
Sean, you have outdone yourself. I'm up early, the house is quiet, and your message reached me as I contemplate a very necessary return to sobriety. Starting tomorrow, of course. My heart is too full to ever put it all into words, just know this: Jesus spoke through you to reach me this morning, and I can feel the healing from head to toe. All the synchronicities that had to happen for me to find myself alone, with enough uninterrupted time to read your essay, are miracles in themselves. And there's a quiet peace laid over my heart this morning, thanks to you. I see the face of Christ in you.
Thank you for sharing and being here, Shawna. And thank you for the kind words - I am so grateful that the post resonated and was helpful. We are in this together, truly, and our togetherness includes Jesus, who is always a help. I see the face of Christ in you, too. We are always gazing at Love, and Love always gazes back in adoration.
Sean, you and I have so much in common on this path; our journey, our histories. It took me over 20 years to accept forgiveness and another 10 to learn how to put it into practice. I don't regret the time it has taken. I, too, was attacking reality and refusing to heal. The Course has been a life-saver but I think I was also taking it as Gospel. Now I see it as a tool for healing and an incredible opportunity for joining. It has been a stepping stone to further exploration and ultimately to the place you described: Thy will be done. I've become willing to accept all that life brings, look at it all, and deal with it all. I don't always love doing that but I'm committed to trusting God. It IS clear to me that togetherness is "collectively the site of healing, the means of healing, and the effect of healing" - thank you for your writing. I cherish your weekly message(s). And I join you in being a goofball!
Thank you, Susan. I wonder if the journey is really just to "Thy will be done?" To really mean that and live by that . . . I don't mean just as an ideal or a thing to write on Substack but to actually integrate into one's life. It's so hard! And I don't like it very much - I mean, I like it sometimes but other times, no. I feel right now like I am being asked to go deeply into the hard parts - not to suffer or whatever - but to better understand WHY they are so prevalent. As if deep down there is a switch that can be thrown - you know, a big red switch set to "ego" and I just need to throw it to "holy spirit." But that feels simplistic to me, which is part of my struggle right now. A friend recently invited me to think more deeply about the distinction between "easy" and "simple," and that feels helpful.
Anyway, thank you for being here and reading. I feel seen by you in good ways, both validating and challenging, and am grateful for the company. Thanks for highlighting that sentence - it felt helpful to me writing it, like I was seeing something useful. It's good to know we are not alone.
Yes, Sean, I can relate to looking at the hard parts and wanting to throw that big red switch. Lately, however, I feel there is a way to live with the two. I don't mean living with the ego, but with the body/mind and spiritual awareness simultaneously, with less struggle - two but "not two"? And not fighting everything, resisting. I guess, for me, "Thy will be done" is something I need to live by. I've seen what happens when I impose my will. It's not pretty.
Thank you, Susan. I feel this too though maybe with less clarity than you - but yeah, I understand entirely the mess and chaos that comes from substituting my will for God's. There's another way 🙏🙏
I have spent my life of “wanting it otherwise”. Your article helped me see that I have not really looked directly at “I want it otherwise” since it is covered up with deep guilt and shame. I appreciate your helping me to SEE.
I feel like a child that didn’t know there was another way. It is amazing how I can read, listen, and talk spiritual material and truly not understand or live it. I did not even know how committed to “me”, I have been. I keep thinking I am surrendering, but the truth is I am only “thinking”, not surrendering.
Upon reading the ACIM prayer at the end of the article I saw that I want the “holy instant for myself”, but NOT to share it with my brother, only to feel superior. This is hard to take in, but your self exposure helps my willingness. Thank you Sean. 🙏
Thank you for sharing and being here, Glenda. I appreciate it very much. This is hard work! And we have to do it together and I am a LOT better at being alone and defensive than I am at being in communion with others. It really is a practice, with a lot of two steps back and sometimes just stubbornly not moving at all. You're not alone; WE'RE not alone. I am so grateful 🙏🙏
I had gotten behind with reading your beautiful Monday posts, and I decided that reading them today would be a great way to start the New Year. As always, so much resonates—including relying upon the Holy Spirit for guidance, leading with Love rather than fear, the process of deciding to leave the Catholic Church (although I did not struggle with it as much as you did, apparently), and a deep, abiding affection for Catholic Workers. While I’m content leading a “single” life domestically, I think about “holy relationship” mostly in terms of doing political work lovingly and nonviolently. Admittedly, I look forward to the coming four years with real concern (this in addition to the bipartisan-approved, present-moment horrors in many parts of the world, including Gaza). But I also feel real hope, and I credit this hope, in large part, to the ACIM practice you have elucidated over the years. I am very grateful for your deep, consistent work, Sean. You are a blessing. Thank you.
Thanks for the kind words, Margaret. I appreciate them very much. One foot in front of the other, hopefully in the company of folks who won't let us fall. Trump's reelection really threw me and I honestly sometimes don't feel like I have the energy for four more years - I think the damage this time is likely to be deeper and harder to dig out from. And, of course, there are the systemic problems a couple turtles down that got us here in the first place and those feel even deeper and more troublesome than Trump. I'm taking a lot of courage these days from younger folks around me, especially outside the white / cis / male / hetero space.
I'm really interested in this idea and practice of holy relationship in terms of doing political work lovingly and nonviolently. Is that something you can say more about here? Or that we could trade an email about? Or have you written about that elsewhere that I could track down and read? I understand completely if that's not feasible.
Thanks again for reading and being here, Margaret. I'm very grateful.
Some weeks ago I came across an epigraph in a poetry book, and it stayed with me after the election: For everything that lives is holy (William Blake). I felt it—in my heart—as a call to take nonviolence more deeply and seriously than I had in past years of activism, and not just as refraining from violence but as expressing a more active love. I may be playing fast and loose with “holy relationship,” but if we’re all One in Christ (whether or not we even recognize Christ), then I feel I need to apply that in the sphere where I tend to be least patient and quickest to judge. I mean, of course, our testy, polarized body politic.
I think that most of my spiritual inquiries and practices over many years have been an attempt to see how this densely beautiful and volatile world meets the more Godly one. In this world, I have paid a lot of attention to human rights violations. Many years ago, after doing that work in a less-than-balanced way, I became very depressed and wracked with self-blame, which I knew to be mostly irrational, but simply knowing that didn’t help. And yes, suicide was very tempting, but I knew it was no solution, would remove me from the work, and would only compound the pain for those who love me. So reason (and I’m sure some guidance) did help me with that part, for which I am grateful.
I’m sorry this is long and only occasionally connects to ACIM, which I didn’t know about during most of this drama. I’ll try to keep it short.
Anyway, I came across someone practicing a new healing art, which he barely explained and offered to share with me. I remember saying to him that I didn’t believe in that kind of thing, but I suspected it wouldn’t hurt me. (And I knew I needed something. So why not?) Well, I had a VERY powerful experience and said to myself immediately afterwards, “I don’t know what he just did, and it doesn’t fit into my worldview, but my worldview is going to have to change.” That much was clear.
And many things began to change: My dreams became very instructive about how I was out of balance (too left-brained, no surprise; I needed to ground my intellect in my body and intuition, etc.). Three months later I learned the modality, primarily for self-care, but then immediately started offering sessions to anyone who would slow down long enough. I was amazed how comfortable I was doing this hands-on work, even with strangers, because I had been living in my head for a very long time.
So, this is all prelude to saying that one thing that bothered me about this healing work, A LOT, was the fact that when I was working with folks I would get this “All is well” feeling—which was lovely yet troubling, too. I’d start a little argument with myself: “How can all be well when you know how many children are starving today, so many people are being raped or killed,” and on and on. I had no answer but knew that somehow both realities were true. I decided my practice would need to include “getting my arms around all of it.” Whatever that might mean.
And now, years later, I am reading ACIM and trying to cultivate a relationship with the Holy Spirit and Jesus (I was already close to the Holy Mother) to help me understand how both things—“All is well” and horror—can be true. I’m starting to get it, and I’m realizing that I have been very selectively loving and forgiving.
I could go on and on (trust me) but won’t, other than to say that I see Trump 2.0 as a time when I want to take my spiritual and political practice to a new level. To be honest, I’m still working on being able to look at his image without yelling and calling him names, so I have lots of work to do. Separation can seem so vividly real, but I do know “There must be a better way.”
Thanks, Bill. And thank you, Sean. Your generously sharing your life process with this community is a beautiful gift.
Margaret, thank you. I really appreciate this. You've got a lot more clarity on this issue than I do. Thank you.
Trying to respond to the external crisis began for me in high school when I became aware of the 1980s famine in Ethiopia. I raised money to donate to Oxfam. I don't know what I expected, but I am remember raising a decent amount of money and feeling disappointed.
Part of it was the toxic combination of grandiosity and naivete - I wanted to the be the one who saved the world and when it turned out I couldn't, what was the point? There was - there often is, in activism, in my experience - a lot of ego.
But part of it came out of being in a rural and relatively conservative culture where a LOT of folks - teachers and fellow students - opposed what I was doing and I could not for the life of me understand that. My locker and car were defaced; even the adults who were supportive were kind of annoyed with me, like the whole thing was an inconvenience.
A lot of my learning in this life has been around understanding how systems work and how they arise out of collective intention and consciousness, and realizing that on some level, the real work is the transformation of fear, which I think HAS to occur in relationship, especially with those we are comfortable hating, controlling, ignoring, mocking - in a word, marginalizing.
I know you know this.
I think often of Rabbi Heschel's observation that "there is no limit to the concern one must feel for the suffering of human beings, that indifference to evil is worse than evil itself, that in a free society, some are guilty, but all are responsible."
I still believe in showing up to vote, march, petition, protest, teach-in etc - I don't think I'll ever not believe in those practices - but they feel downstream of healing. A regrettable amount of my own resistance to healing has been fueled by the interior crisis Tara Singh summed up as "I get it and you don't."
Every turn in the road yields more road and I am beginning to move away from "destination" thinking to focusing on fellow travelers, broadly defined. Holy Relationship for me is about a shared commitment to actively recognizing the "discipleship of equals" and also recognizing - and committing to undoing - the internal blocks to that equality.
Any way, I really appreciate your sharing here. It speaks into a site of learning for me that is ongoing and often puzzling but which I am clearly called to stumble through :)
Oh, yes, activism is a great forum for learning about ego! Obviously, I'm still learning about mine.
I recall, in my early youth, not trusting people who looked too happy because I thought they must not be "paying attention." I was glad to look more serious and even bothered, so that people would understand I was looking at the hard stuff in the world. (Embarrassing but true, and I realize I had to go through that phase.) Then, when I finally got past that bit of theatrics, still many years ago, a friend tried to tell me that I and my companions were "too angry." I was flabbergasted, as I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't be angry about massacres and the many forms of oppression. But now I understand that we're not all looking through the same lens -- even when looking at the same situations. I still get angry, honestly, but it's different now because I trust that there's much more to us and our processes than what we see on the surface. (Duh.) So when I say I want to take my nonviolence to a new level, I still want to talk and write about oppression as I see it, but I also see myself joining people with whom I disagree in their attempts to extend love, although we might prioritize projects differently. At the very least, I see how anger blocks the felt-sense of being joined in this earthly enterprise.
Thanks for your response. I certainly agree that "the real work is the transformation of fear, which I think HAS to occur in relationship, especially with those we are comfortable hating, controlling, ignoring, mocking - in a word, marginalizing." I'll be paying extra attention to my marginalizing of others, as clearly I am blocking my love in that moment. Thanks, Sean.
Phew, what a post. This really hit me hard. Thank you 🙏
Just a few days ago I went through another opportunity to heal and I just buckled down and I failed. It’s always the same story ,me against my many different forms of addiction. Codependency with people, things etc… I want it my way and the authority issue. It’s plays out differently but it’s the same thing.
I just put away The Course because I was in exactly the same place you mentioned in your essay. I have been sampling the spiritual buffet for too long and not really allowing healing. While the spiritual ego was stroking itself with beautiful words and then flipping the coin over delving in to pain deep enough to enjoying its darkness and calling it healing. I just had enough!
I have willingly accepted I’m not the one in charge and I truly don’t know what’s good for me or even how to make anything happen.
Thank you for making me admit this in writing Sean, may God heal the mind that’s gone rogue and finally accept the forgiveness that’s being offered.
You're welcome, Bernadette. Thank you for sharing and being here.
I understand "failing." And I respect and appreciate the tendency to not gussy it up but just look at it head on. So far as I can tell, facing our guilt and fear - in and through its many symbols in our lives - is the only way to truly reach a sustainable state of peace and happiness.
There is a lot of power in surrender. We forget this because we're conditioned to survive, fight, negotiate, problem-solve, and plan.
And none of that comes close to the simple power of acceptance, especially when we can do so in the company of folks who love us and have our backs. Community is important; bearing witness is important; consenting to be a learner and a beginner is important.
So much grace enters my life when I can say - and really mean - "I am not in charge."
Again, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It means a lot to me.
~ Sean
P.S. I love the phrase "a mind that's gone rogue!" I may borrow it one of these days :)
Thank you, Sean for sharing your thoughts. I’ve been enjoying reading your postings. I got off Facebook because I found it unbearable and over stimulating and knowing my addiction to information and pain. I found l myself helpless so I just decided to walk away minimizing my life with all the stimulants. Knowing I have many form of addictions, replacing one for another is It’s just one of the layers.
I’m allowing everything to come up right now and slowly stepping back from having anything to do with it healing it.
Willingness which you mentioned in your post is what truly allows me just be present and allow it be as is ,humbling me to my helplessness
God bless !
Bernadett
That's always been a good space for me as well - stepping back and not forcing myself to DO anything with what comes up. Our helplessness is frustrating but ACIM is clear it is a form of defenselessness and defenselessness is essential to the end of fear. So we are doing something right!
Thanks again for reading and sharing, Bernadett. Blessings & Joy right back to you.
~ Sean
This is such a thought provoking post! I appreciate your description of what addiction feels like to you. For me, it is one word…”more.” It sometimes comes as a scream, but more often than not, it is an almost imperceptible whisper and I unconsciously follow it…always believing, of course, it will give me what I want, what I long for, but being far from it in the end…even though we have what we want to begin with!
I find myself asking, if special relationships is the ego’s chief device, what is addiction?
I’m also asking, if the feeling we reach for in our addictive actions, behaviors and habits is ecstasy, and is holiness true ecstacy? I want to pair those words, and I don’t! In doing so, I comfort myself with the stories of the mystics, Teresa of Avila, Julian…where it all was just the pure love of God blazing through hearts and minds.
I think also of Mary Oliver who says, “Joy is not crumbs.” And this is what I have found to be any addiction or addictive like behavior or desire in my life…crumbs. I wonder, is holiness the whole enchilada?
The simple words that come to me are: Everything is perfect. Otherwise is a mirage. Everything is whole. Otherwise is crumbs. Everything is holiness. Otherwise is hollow.
Everything is remembrance. Otherwise is forgetting.
If only I can remember. Thank you for helping me remember.
"More" - yes, that simplifies it even further. That resonates.
I think addiction fuels specialness - we want to "save" the one who is addicted, we enable the addiction, we justify the addiction with personal narrative - e.g., you'd drink too if you'd been through what I've been through.
It just seems to reinforce the underlying principle of separation - Me, my and mine.
That's a really interesting question about ecstasy and holiness. I mean, what is the function of ecstasy? Does it have a function apart from its effects? You can use LSD, MDMA, fasting, sex, celibacy and have peak experiences but are they reliable?
I am thinking out loud here, not arguing . . .
My peak experiences are lovely - I crave them, I honor them, I am grateful for them - but their transformative potential feels tricky to me. I think I can count on one hand the number of "peak experiences / ecstatic experiences" I've had that led to sustainable meaningful change.
The rest were like riding a roller coaster - fun in the moment, exhiliarating and awesome - but . . . temporary. And kind of shallow - like the whole body is buzzing and singing hosannas - but the soul or spirit is untouched.
Man I dropped down fast into mind / body dualism there :)
Mary Oliver is very helpful here - thank you for evoking her. "Joy is not crumbs." And Emily Dickinson said to Judge Lord, who wanted to marry her - and they were truly in love - "you ask for crumbs and doom the loaf."
Mary Oliver's solitude and her focus seem essential here. She was not fucking around. She was devoted to the craft of writing and the simple aloneness that nurtured her capacity to be attentive and disciplined with the art.
I have felt that her "ecstasy" was pitched lower but sustainably so - it had a quiet certainty to it, a sureness. It was about non-performative presence to what was given.
But it's important for me to remember that she chose - she embraced - a way of being and held to it for a lifetime.
(I am open to other readings of her work, of course.)
So Oliver seems to suggest - I'm still just thinking out loud - that holiness is more about the commitment we make, and the unified-mindedness that arises (as an effect fo the commitment? as its cause?) and helpfully informs the life.
You wrote:
"The simple words that come to me are: Everything is perfect. Otherwise is a mirage. Everything is whole. Otherwise is crumbs. Everything is holiness. Otherwise is hollow.
Everything is remembrance. Otherwise is forgetting."
This is brilliant, Kimberley. Thank you 🙏🙏
~ Sean
Lovely. I appreciate when you share your thoughts on topics like this. It’s reaches those it needs to. It’s refreshing and needs to be opened up to the light.
I’m nearing the end of my first pass of the text in the course. It’s taken me almost 1.5 years to finish it. I took my time with it. Savoring it. It’s brought up thoughts and feelings- hidden secrets- that I’ve stuffed down so deep that when brought up to the light, I jump in shock. Feels like a purging of the soul. Shedding of old skin. Difficult but necessary and liberatingly beautiful.
I believe we all suffer with some form of addiction whether we recognize or not.
When the “holy ego” in me try’s to distract me with “whys” (which it loves to do) and try’s to convince me it’s happening to me, I remind my self that it’s all my own doing, my choice to believe in separation- as the course tells us- the one mistake that takes on many forms.
Practicing this prevents me from wallowing in self induced despair and opens me up to make the choice again. The choice for love. It’s not easy and it takes attention to thought, lots of it. But with time, I improve.
The course for me is the way, my path. I’m am too, eternally grateful it found me. Happy New Year, Sean.
Happy New Year to you as well, Kate. Thank you for being here and sharing.
I really appreciate that you took 1.5 years to read the text - that is a real measure of devotion and discipline. I read it many many times in the beginning, and while I'm grateful for the intensity, it was also kind of shallow. It took me a long time to slow down and really give attention.
Your practice of refusing ego's lies by remembering that you are doing this to yourself and thus can "choose again" is an authentic application of ACIM. There's nothing extra to it. Thank you for sharing that. It reminds me of the healing power of the course. There is always another way and we can always walk it together.
Thank you again, Kate 🙏🙏
~ Sean
Oh, my, Sean, there is so much to say about your post but words would not be an adequate way to express my appreciation for your brutal honesty about the heart of the matter: I do feel guilty and how can I not be a disappointment to Jesus? How can it be that my “little willingness” is “enough”? Yet, as you have written, it is the Holy Spirit’s function to “remove all fear and hatred, and to be forgiven”. Yes, “we are teaching each other how to be holy by having nothing else in our lives but holiness”. And, so, “This holy instant would I give to You. Be You in charge. For I would follow You, certain that Your direction gives me peace”. (W. 361-365). With love.
Thanks for being here and sharing, Joanne. I'm glad it resonated - we are in this together, learning how to follow the Holy Spirit. It's not easy to let go of the personal but there's a lot of peace when we do. Thank you for helping me remember 🙏🙏
~ Sean
I just started ACIM back in October. It has already had a profound impact, mainly by helping me work through religious trauma and some old grievances I was carrying. I can see that understanding the concepts of this course is one thing, and applying them in real life is something else. That requires surrendering and trusting. Today's lesson for me is #79: "Let me recognize the problem so it can be solved." Prior to this, I would not have identified separation as the root of all problems, but it's so clear now. I've spent most of my life believing that "everything will be fine" once I get to this place or achieve this goal or check this box, etc. All of that is ego, of course. My therapist said that I'm like Tantalus in the Greek myth—putting myself in situations where satisfaction is always just out of reach. I certainly resonate with the "wanting it otherwise" part of your post, since where I am always feels lacking in some way. But I'm tired, honestly, and I have no idea what is best for me now. God can drive.
Thank you for sharing and being here, Jen.
Lesson 79 and 80 are far and away my favorite lessons. My life changed when I read them; I realized that the God I'd been praying too was not God but a cruel and judgmental idol and it totally blew me away. It knocked to me my knees literally. I was walking in the forest with the dogs at 4 a.m. and I just dropped into the snow. How could this be? I'm a smart guy, I've studied a ton, I do zazen, I pray the rosary, yadda yadda yadda.
So I began then a journey to a new understanding of God, with a lot more humility than I'd had before those two lessons.
Anyway, I understand that not everybody has the same experience but that was mine. What a joy to do those lessons for the first time!
A therapist who references Greek mythology is a therapist worth keeping, in my book. I have my problems with the Greeks, but their mythology has an incredible psychological structure. There's lots of healing there.
I hear you on fatigue. FOr me it's related to surrender. Surrender isn't really a logical decision so much as a throwing up of my hands. I can't do this anymore. I give up. But surrender on spiritual terms has to include trust, as you point out, and I appreciate that clarity very much. If we surrender without trust, then it's just a nihilistic fall. But if we surrender IN trust, WITH trust, then something interesting can happen.
But getting out of the way has never been my strong suit. God can drive, yes, but I'm going to ask a lot of questions and offer some suggestions re: routes and possible stops and so forth.
I'm still learning :)
Thank you again for sharing. It helps. We are in this together.
~ Sean
He’s a Jungian (the therapist), and he has helped me through EMDR, dream analysis, and good ol’ cognitive approaches. But my oldest, deepest wound was spiritual, and even he agreed that a spiritual wound needs a spiritual balm. So yes, it’s a daily adventure, this surrendering and trusting, particularly with the preponderance of humanism, individualism, etc. in our culture. I had to laugh when you said that you are going to “ask a lot of questions and offer some suggestions re: routes and possible stops and so forth.” That is so me! My analytical Virgo INTJ brain tries to work it all out. :)
"Preponderance of humanism, individualism, etc. in our culture." Thank you for that - yes, that's a big problem, a big collective symptom of ego.
Spiritual backseat drivers unite!
Sean, you have outdone yourself. I'm up early, the house is quiet, and your message reached me as I contemplate a very necessary return to sobriety. Starting tomorrow, of course. My heart is too full to ever put it all into words, just know this: Jesus spoke through you to reach me this morning, and I can feel the healing from head to toe. All the synchronicities that had to happen for me to find myself alone, with enough uninterrupted time to read your essay, are miracles in themselves. And there's a quiet peace laid over my heart this morning, thanks to you. I see the face of Christ in you.
In awe and gratitude and love,
Shawna
Thank you for sharing and being here, Shawna. And thank you for the kind words - I am so grateful that the post resonated and was helpful. We are in this together, truly, and our togetherness includes Jesus, who is always a help. I see the face of Christ in you, too. We are always gazing at Love, and Love always gazes back in adoration.
~ Sean
Sean, you and I have so much in common on this path; our journey, our histories. It took me over 20 years to accept forgiveness and another 10 to learn how to put it into practice. I don't regret the time it has taken. I, too, was attacking reality and refusing to heal. The Course has been a life-saver but I think I was also taking it as Gospel. Now I see it as a tool for healing and an incredible opportunity for joining. It has been a stepping stone to further exploration and ultimately to the place you described: Thy will be done. I've become willing to accept all that life brings, look at it all, and deal with it all. I don't always love doing that but I'm committed to trusting God. It IS clear to me that togetherness is "collectively the site of healing, the means of healing, and the effect of healing" - thank you for your writing. I cherish your weekly message(s). And I join you in being a goofball!
Thank you, Susan. I wonder if the journey is really just to "Thy will be done?" To really mean that and live by that . . . I don't mean just as an ideal or a thing to write on Substack but to actually integrate into one's life. It's so hard! And I don't like it very much - I mean, I like it sometimes but other times, no. I feel right now like I am being asked to go deeply into the hard parts - not to suffer or whatever - but to better understand WHY they are so prevalent. As if deep down there is a switch that can be thrown - you know, a big red switch set to "ego" and I just need to throw it to "holy spirit." But that feels simplistic to me, which is part of my struggle right now. A friend recently invited me to think more deeply about the distinction between "easy" and "simple," and that feels helpful.
Anyway, thank you for being here and reading. I feel seen by you in good ways, both validating and challenging, and am grateful for the company. Thanks for highlighting that sentence - it felt helpful to me writing it, like I was seeing something useful. It's good to know we are not alone.
~ Sean
Yes, Sean, I can relate to looking at the hard parts and wanting to throw that big red switch. Lately, however, I feel there is a way to live with the two. I don't mean living with the ego, but with the body/mind and spiritual awareness simultaneously, with less struggle - two but "not two"? And not fighting everything, resisting. I guess, for me, "Thy will be done" is something I need to live by. I've seen what happens when I impose my will. It's not pretty.
Thank you, Susan. I feel this too though maybe with less clarity than you - but yeah, I understand entirely the mess and chaos that comes from substituting my will for God's. There's another way 🙏🙏
I have spent my life of “wanting it otherwise”. Your article helped me see that I have not really looked directly at “I want it otherwise” since it is covered up with deep guilt and shame. I appreciate your helping me to SEE.
I feel like a child that didn’t know there was another way. It is amazing how I can read, listen, and talk spiritual material and truly not understand or live it. I did not even know how committed to “me”, I have been. I keep thinking I am surrendering, but the truth is I am only “thinking”, not surrendering.
Upon reading the ACIM prayer at the end of the article I saw that I want the “holy instant for myself”, but NOT to share it with my brother, only to feel superior. This is hard to take in, but your self exposure helps my willingness. Thank you Sean. 🙏
Thank you for sharing and being here, Glenda. I appreciate it very much. This is hard work! And we have to do it together and I am a LOT better at being alone and defensive than I am at being in communion with others. It really is a practice, with a lot of two steps back and sometimes just stubbornly not moving at all. You're not alone; WE'RE not alone. I am so grateful 🙏🙏
Sean,
Happy New Year to you and yours.
I had gotten behind with reading your beautiful Monday posts, and I decided that reading them today would be a great way to start the New Year. As always, so much resonates—including relying upon the Holy Spirit for guidance, leading with Love rather than fear, the process of deciding to leave the Catholic Church (although I did not struggle with it as much as you did, apparently), and a deep, abiding affection for Catholic Workers. While I’m content leading a “single” life domestically, I think about “holy relationship” mostly in terms of doing political work lovingly and nonviolently. Admittedly, I look forward to the coming four years with real concern (this in addition to the bipartisan-approved, present-moment horrors in many parts of the world, including Gaza). But I also feel real hope, and I credit this hope, in large part, to the ACIM practice you have elucidated over the years. I am very grateful for your deep, consistent work, Sean. You are a blessing. Thank you.
Thanks for the kind words, Margaret. I appreciate them very much. One foot in front of the other, hopefully in the company of folks who won't let us fall. Trump's reelection really threw me and I honestly sometimes don't feel like I have the energy for four more years - I think the damage this time is likely to be deeper and harder to dig out from. And, of course, there are the systemic problems a couple turtles down that got us here in the first place and those feel even deeper and more troublesome than Trump. I'm taking a lot of courage these days from younger folks around me, especially outside the white / cis / male / hetero space.
I'm really interested in this idea and practice of holy relationship in terms of doing political work lovingly and nonviolently. Is that something you can say more about here? Or that we could trade an email about? Or have you written about that elsewhere that I could track down and read? I understand completely if that's not feasible.
Thanks again for reading and being here, Margaret. I'm very grateful.
~ Sean
Sean,
I am finally able to respond, in my way.
Some weeks ago I came across an epigraph in a poetry book, and it stayed with me after the election: For everything that lives is holy (William Blake). I felt it—in my heart—as a call to take nonviolence more deeply and seriously than I had in past years of activism, and not just as refraining from violence but as expressing a more active love. I may be playing fast and loose with “holy relationship,” but if we’re all One in Christ (whether or not we even recognize Christ), then I feel I need to apply that in the sphere where I tend to be least patient and quickest to judge. I mean, of course, our testy, polarized body politic.
I think that most of my spiritual inquiries and practices over many years have been an attempt to see how this densely beautiful and volatile world meets the more Godly one. In this world, I have paid a lot of attention to human rights violations. Many years ago, after doing that work in a less-than-balanced way, I became very depressed and wracked with self-blame, which I knew to be mostly irrational, but simply knowing that didn’t help. And yes, suicide was very tempting, but I knew it was no solution, would remove me from the work, and would only compound the pain for those who love me. So reason (and I’m sure some guidance) did help me with that part, for which I am grateful.
I’m sorry this is long and only occasionally connects to ACIM, which I didn’t know about during most of this drama. I’ll try to keep it short.
Anyway, I came across someone practicing a new healing art, which he barely explained and offered to share with me. I remember saying to him that I didn’t believe in that kind of thing, but I suspected it wouldn’t hurt me. (And I knew I needed something. So why not?) Well, I had a VERY powerful experience and said to myself immediately afterwards, “I don’t know what he just did, and it doesn’t fit into my worldview, but my worldview is going to have to change.” That much was clear.
And many things began to change: My dreams became very instructive about how I was out of balance (too left-brained, no surprise; I needed to ground my intellect in my body and intuition, etc.). Three months later I learned the modality, primarily for self-care, but then immediately started offering sessions to anyone who would slow down long enough. I was amazed how comfortable I was doing this hands-on work, even with strangers, because I had been living in my head for a very long time.
So, this is all prelude to saying that one thing that bothered me about this healing work, A LOT, was the fact that when I was working with folks I would get this “All is well” feeling—which was lovely yet troubling, too. I’d start a little argument with myself: “How can all be well when you know how many children are starving today, so many people are being raped or killed,” and on and on. I had no answer but knew that somehow both realities were true. I decided my practice would need to include “getting my arms around all of it.” Whatever that might mean.
And now, years later, I am reading ACIM and trying to cultivate a relationship with the Holy Spirit and Jesus (I was already close to the Holy Mother) to help me understand how both things—“All is well” and horror—can be true. I’m starting to get it, and I’m realizing that I have been very selectively loving and forgiving.
I could go on and on (trust me) but won’t, other than to say that I see Trump 2.0 as a time when I want to take my spiritual and political practice to a new level. To be honest, I’m still working on being able to look at his image without yelling and calling him names, so I have lots of work to do. Separation can seem so vividly real, but I do know “There must be a better way.”
Thanks, Bill. And thank you, Sean. Your generously sharing your life process with this community is a beautiful gift.
Margaret, thank you. I really appreciate this. You've got a lot more clarity on this issue than I do. Thank you.
Trying to respond to the external crisis began for me in high school when I became aware of the 1980s famine in Ethiopia. I raised money to donate to Oxfam. I don't know what I expected, but I am remember raising a decent amount of money and feeling disappointed.
Part of it was the toxic combination of grandiosity and naivete - I wanted to the be the one who saved the world and when it turned out I couldn't, what was the point? There was - there often is, in activism, in my experience - a lot of ego.
But part of it came out of being in a rural and relatively conservative culture where a LOT of folks - teachers and fellow students - opposed what I was doing and I could not for the life of me understand that. My locker and car were defaced; even the adults who were supportive were kind of annoyed with me, like the whole thing was an inconvenience.
A lot of my learning in this life has been around understanding how systems work and how they arise out of collective intention and consciousness, and realizing that on some level, the real work is the transformation of fear, which I think HAS to occur in relationship, especially with those we are comfortable hating, controlling, ignoring, mocking - in a word, marginalizing.
I know you know this.
I think often of Rabbi Heschel's observation that "there is no limit to the concern one must feel for the suffering of human beings, that indifference to evil is worse than evil itself, that in a free society, some are guilty, but all are responsible."
I still believe in showing up to vote, march, petition, protest, teach-in etc - I don't think I'll ever not believe in those practices - but they feel downstream of healing. A regrettable amount of my own resistance to healing has been fueled by the interior crisis Tara Singh summed up as "I get it and you don't."
Every turn in the road yields more road and I am beginning to move away from "destination" thinking to focusing on fellow travelers, broadly defined. Holy Relationship for me is about a shared commitment to actively recognizing the "discipleship of equals" and also recognizing - and committing to undoing - the internal blocks to that equality.
Any way, I really appreciate your sharing here. It speaks into a site of learning for me that is ongoing and often puzzling but which I am clearly called to stumble through :)
~ Sean
Oh, yes, activism is a great forum for learning about ego! Obviously, I'm still learning about mine.
I recall, in my early youth, not trusting people who looked too happy because I thought they must not be "paying attention." I was glad to look more serious and even bothered, so that people would understand I was looking at the hard stuff in the world. (Embarrassing but true, and I realize I had to go through that phase.) Then, when I finally got past that bit of theatrics, still many years ago, a friend tried to tell me that I and my companions were "too angry." I was flabbergasted, as I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't be angry about massacres and the many forms of oppression. But now I understand that we're not all looking through the same lens -- even when looking at the same situations. I still get angry, honestly, but it's different now because I trust that there's much more to us and our processes than what we see on the surface. (Duh.) So when I say I want to take my nonviolence to a new level, I still want to talk and write about oppression as I see it, but I also see myself joining people with whom I disagree in their attempts to extend love, although we might prioritize projects differently. At the very least, I see how anger blocks the felt-sense of being joined in this earthly enterprise.
Thanks for your response. I certainly agree that "the real work is the transformation of fear, which I think HAS to occur in relationship, especially with those we are comfortable hating, controlling, ignoring, mocking - in a word, marginalizing." I'll be paying extra attention to my marginalizing of others, as clearly I am blocking my love in that moment. Thanks, Sean.
🙏🙏
Can I ask: what was / is the healing art?
Sure. It was Reiki. And it remains central to my practice, which has expanded quite a bit over the years.
Thanks Sean............Happy New Year!
I love you too and appreciate your work and insight.
🙏🙏