Becoming a Disciple

Notes on living without the illusion of control

I am still thinking through - still learning - what I mean when we talk about the illusion of control.

In my experience and understanding, when we realize the illusion of control we are free. But paradoxically this freedom takes the form of discipline.

I don't mean discipline imposed from outside, like taking orders from the boss or having a community rule like Saint Benedict. I mean instead discipline as an an interior grace, long ignored, at last accepted and given room to fluorish. Disciples are not ruled by the past, and they place the future in the hands of God. The world is not their enemy because they no longer have enemies, only friends (W-pI.194.1:3, 9:6).

To be disciplined in this way is to be in a state of sustained availability and determined openness. We enter into devoted relationship with God which naturally undoes our fear of uncertainty. We do not know but also, we do not need to know. Here I am, Lord. Hineni, hineni.

From the outside this discipline can look religious. It can look revolutionary or naive. But people see what they see and call it what they call it; the name is not the thing (M-21.1:9). For me, this discipline is joyful. It unites us with God's Will, which is the source of all peace and happiness (T-1.VII.1:4). There is no punishment or sacrifice in it. Crucifixion and its long shadow cease to exist; we are resurrected, and born again. We know each other, and through each other, God, for "as you see the Son you see yourself, and as you see yourself is God to you" (S-2.I.3:10).

"Seeing" means something like "lived understanding," the union of theory and application. Salvation, like relationship, cannot only be talked about. It has to be lived. Disciples are active participants in salvation who accept a teaching-and-learning paradigm as their special form of remembering the wholeness of Creation (T-25.VII.7:1).

Teach not that I died in vain. Teach rather that I did not die by demonstrating that I live in you (T-11.VI.7:3-4).

Of course, we cannot teach what we have not learned. We cannot give what we do not have. Therefore, disciples are in relationship with the world, devoted to remembering in it what they are in truth, and to helping their brothers and sisters remember as well. Nothing else matters.

It takes great learning to understand that all things, events, encounters and circumstances are helpful. It is only to the extent to which they are helpful that any degree of reality should be accorded them in this world of illusion. The word “value” can apply to nothing else (M-4.I-A.4:5-7).

What does this look like in practice?

It has to do with becomng responsible for projection (T-7.VIII.5:3-4) and questioning everything (T-11.VIII.3:8). These two practices sugar out in questions like: who are my traveling companions? How do we know the way?

The way is not what I want; it's what is given. It's not about what I can get from Life, but what comes forth when I cooperate with life. The way, the companions and the means are not hidden. But we have to be ready. We have to go forth, empty-handed and willing but not alone. Never alone.

"Letting go of everything" is not about giving up food or sex or a good night's sleep. It's about letting go of judgment by recognizing the way in which we cannot judge. To let go of everything is to consent to have our lives reordered by the Holy Spirit according to a new value system not of our own making (e.g. M-4.I-A.3:3).

And yes. To the world, this letting go - this enaction of this new value system grounded in non-resistance and freely-shared familial love - looks radical. It looks foolish and even dangerous. But in experience, it is simply a natural acceptance what is given in the moment, which we did not create but in which we can share.

. . . you can learn the truth about yourself from the Holy Spirit, Who will teach you that, as part of God, deceit in you is impossible. When you perceive yourself without deceit, you will accept the real world in place of the false one you have made. And then your Father will lean down to you and take the last step for you, by raising you unto Himself (T-11.VIII.15:3-5).

When I realize the illusion of control, a stillness appears that invites me to join with it. Poetically, it is living waters, deep and full, unabashedly creative. Joining with it is like stepping into a river and feeling its currents pull me away from everything familiar. It's scary but each step makes the next one easier. Soon there is only the river.

A Course in Miracles calls this stillness "the Holy Instant." But it doesn't matter what you call it. When you enter it, it enters you. Like sneezing or falling asleep, it's easier to do than explain.

The holy instant is a time in which you receive and give perfect communication . . . it is a time in which your mind is open, both to receive and give. It is the recognition that all minds are in communication (T-15.IV.6:5-7).

In the stillness of the holy instant, the Holy Spirit gently teaches us how to "seek to change nothing, but merely accept everything" (T-15.IV.6:8).

"Accept everything" is an invitation to be in relationship with all of life, in both its appearance as One and its appearance as Many, without distinguishing between those two modes. In practice, there is no difference. Love is always the answer.

Henceforth, hear but the Voice for God and for your Self when you retire from the world, to seek reality instead. He will direct your efforts, telling you exactly what to do, how to direct your mind, and when to come to Him in silence, asking for His sure direction and His certain Word (W-ep.3:2-3).

Everything the Holy Spirit teaches has to do with relationship. Holy Relationship is "the expression of the holy instant in living in this world" (T-17.V.1:1). In the Holy Instant, the unity of all things is clear and obvious. When we leave that moment, our remembrance of unity informs our relationship with every body and every thing that appears to be separate and individual, atomized and fragmented. We know how to see its perfection; and even if we can’t see its perfection, because our learning is not yet perfected, we remember that the perfection is there. Everywhere we look we see and reminded of the innocence of all life.

In other words, the Holy Spirit teaches us how see in each apparent part the whole. As we learn to share the Holy Spirit's function of seeing only what God created, each apparent part becomes a sign pointing to the whole because each part reflects God's Love. That is what it means to perceive only innocence.

It is God's Love that joins you and your brother, and for God's Love you would keep no one separate from yours. Each one appears just as he is perceived in the holy instant, united in your purpose to be released from guilt. You see the Christ in him, and he is healed because you look on what makes faith forever justified in everyone (T-19.I.10:4-6).

It is the "everyone" at the end that makes A Course in Miracles radically transformative. We are not in the business of improving the self or the tribe or the church. Everyone is just as God created them, and has all of God's Love as you and I do. Our call in the world is to love ALL our brothers and sisters, broadly defined and without qualification or condition, the same.

And wasn't it always thus?

I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust (MT 5:44-45).

It is the "everyone" that restores to us our function of "loving in a loveless place" (T-14.IV.4:10). Here in these lives in this world we are called to undo the blocks to Love and in that way remember together that we share the grace of Christ.

Nothing dramatic and no big deal. Just this life - this "one wild and precious life," as Sister Mary Oliver called it - ever inviting us to join with it in clear-eyed gentleness and peace.

~ Sean